Feminist mothering?

Yesterday I experienced an upheaval in my psyche. Long held beliefs, thoughts, and emotions came to war with present day realities and challenges. To act, yes, that's what I had to do. But first, I have to think. I have to think about my place in the world, my condition and what it all means.

That's what this blog will be about.

To what am I referring? Being a feminist mother, of course. Is it an oxymoron? A contradiction? A virtue? Or a vice? Like every good feminist, I want to have it all: a loving relationship with my child (a sweet, perfect, wonderful son), a happy relationship with my husband, a well paying, satisfying job; I want intellectual and creative stimulation, I want to have fun, I want to dance, I want to write, maybe I even want to sing. I want to have pretty clothes, great hair, a slim body (ah, that's a pipe dream!) big breasts full of milk (yay!) and the luxury of keeping my head in the clouds. I want like minded friends (sigh!) and I want to change the world to make it a better place for my peers and those who will come after me. That's not asking too much, is it? No!

What Happened Yesterday: my son was sick so I took the day off to care for him. By noon he was better so I took him to his daycare, so I could have time to do some urgent tasks. One of those was going to the doctor, myself, as I have a lingering cough. I had to get away from home (was tied there for the last 3 days due to my baby's illness (an ear infection, it transpired) and was irritated due to the continued presence of a house guest - a colleague of my husband's, who always stays much too long, and takes all of my husband's attention away from me (not that it takes much to do that, alas). So I went downtown.

While downtown I went to the doctor (who prescribed antibiotics), had lunch at a favourite cafe (it was only okay) and then perused a local alternative newspaper. I was looking for a listing for an art exhibit showing contemporary Aboriginal art. I found the listing and planned to go there, but I also saw an ad for a feminist bookshop/porn shop called Venus Envy that I had thought about visiting (never mind why, more on that later, perhaps). So I decided to mosey by the porn shop, then go to the art exhibit. I was angry and confused, my head full of contradictions. I needed time to myself and these activities seemed self affirming.

I went to the bookshop and saw a shelf with a startling label: feminist motherhood. What? It seems like a natural thought, but I hadn't seen those two words juxtaposed ever before. Why did it matter?

I am a feminist, bien sur. And now, and for the last 18.5 months, I have been a mother. Being a mother is the most wonderful thing in the world. My son is so dear. He has such a cute personality and the biggest, sweetest brown eyes. I love him completely and always will, no matter happens. I will love him and care for him and support him throughout his life. I am his mother, and I am blessed to have been given this dear boy to care for.

But I am a feminist too. I want to fight for women's equality, women's rightful place in the world. Feminism makes sense to me. It is about choice. I support women's right to choose - to choose how we take care of our bodies, to choose to go to school, to choose work or staying home with our children. I support our rights to use our money and property how we choose, to wear what we want, to read what we want, and to think what we want.

During my pregnancy and motherhood I have been learning about a parenting philosophy that, for want of better terms, we can call "natural parenting" or "attachment parenting". To me, the pillars of this parenting style are:

1. Natural birth - women reclaim control over their bodies during the birthing process. Also makes breastfeeding and recovery from birth easier.
2. Breastfeeding - awesome, fun, free, and best for baby and mommy
3. Babywearing - keep baby close for cuddles and kisses. Also keeps hands free!
4. Co-sleeping - baby in bed = more sleep, better breastfeeding
5. Keeping baby close - I feel being close to me physically is good for my baby and for me
6. Cloth diapering - super easy, cheap, and best for the planet.

So far so good. I am confident and comfortable with these choices. And they are, all, feminist choices because they are choices that affirm mother's control over our bodies.

But when I saw this title - "feminist mothering" I felt suddenly there was something lacking up to now in my mothering. How can I explain something I haven't yet thought through? I can only start to try to, and it is linked to a feeling that there is something bigger I haven't yet thought. That my mothering needs to be connected to the old, multicultural feminist me. It made me realise I need to synthesize my old, single, unmommy self with the new, mommy, married me. I will try. I will think and figure and read and google. I will learn, I will become aware and, a little more me.